


Read Between The Lines

by Introverted_Mess



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depression, IDK I'm really bad at tags, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Selfishness vs Selflessness, breakdown - Freeform, please help me, self-attack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-04 23:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18354041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Introverted_Mess/pseuds/Introverted_Mess
Summary: A new dark side (self-doubt sort of) has surfaced and the effects are catastrophic. Thoughts start to destroy both sides and make them fall into very unhealthy habits (such as using self-harm and over-working as coping methods), but they help each other get through it. As they start to realize that there may be hidden feelings, they find themselves trapped in a self-destructive loop that might destroy their growing relationship. Based after "Selfishness vs Selflessness", lots going on, have fun suffering.





	1. Virgil

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Self Harm

The moment Virgil closed the door to his room, he collapsed in tears. He fell to the floor and was quick to cover his mouth with his hand before a sob escaped it. Hot streams of salty water ran down his cheeks and through his shaky fingers. He pushed himself against the door and pulled his knees to his chest, the tears ceasing to… well, cease. His hood was up and his head in his hands, trying so hard not to be too loud.

_They’re going to find out and when they do, they’ll treat you worse than before._

His breath quickened at the thought, threatening to start an anxiety attack. He tried to stop them from getting too out of control, before the unreasoned anxiety reached Thomas. I have to stay under control. If I don’t, it’ll affect him which will affect me, and the cycle will become unbreakable.

Trying to remember what he learned proved difficult. His thoughts weren’t heard over the unrelenting screams trying to make him snap.

_They’ll hate you._

_You aren’t good enough._

_They’re faking it._

_They’ve always hated you._

_You’ll only hurt Thomas._

_You are the bad guy._

_You’re alone._

_You’re a coward._

_You’re a mess._

_He doesn’t need you._

_You’re lying to them and they know._

_Start taking matters into your own hands and end the cycle._

_End yourself._

_End the suffering._

_End the pain._

_End it._

_Finish yourself off._

_End._

_End._

_End._

_End._

“JUST SHUT UP!” Virgil wailed, holding his hands against his ears. They stopped, “Please, just shut up,” a sob escaped him, followed by another, and another. He couldn’t control them anymore; it was like they had a mind of their own. They were also right, unfortunately.

Much to Virgil’s dismay, no one seemed to hear his cry. No one seemed to notice that he was breaking. _Or maybe they do notice and just don’t care._ Right, they don’t care.

He fought the urge to leave his room and go to the shared hall bathroom of the sides. He couldn’t do that to them or to Thomas. _They don’t care and what will this do to Thomas? I mean, if anything, it’ll help him. It’ll make you calmer, it’ll make us go away. It’ll help Thomas._ Well, if it helped Thomas then it was the right thing to do, right? _Right._

He got up and dried his tears. Silently, he cracked open his door and scanned the hallway. It was empty with no signs of anyone anytime soon. Opening his door all the way, he walked out of his room and towards the bathroom. The light was off, no one was inside. This was his chance. He walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

_Do it._

_Do it._

_Do it._

He reached out towards the spot where his razor hung.

_Why don’t you do it Virgil?_

_It’ll help._

The tears that had stopped started running again. He took a shaky breath and turned away quickly.

Holding himself now, he whispered, “No, it’ll only make things worse.”

Once again, he leaned against the door in defeat. He did just want it to end, but not like this. “I can’t hurt them like this”

_They don’t care._

“I can’t disappoint myself then.”

_Haven’t you always been a disappointment though?_

_I mean look at you._

_At the brink of cutting yourself, trying to convince yourself that you actually matter._

_You are the definition of a hopeless case._

_All you do is hurt them and when you’re not, you’re annoying them._

_Come on Virge, just do it._

_Stop being a God forsaken coward._

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Virgil’s breathing had quickened again, forcing him to slide to the floor. Tears now uncontrollably rolling down his face. “Why don’t you listen to me? Just stop.”

_Then do it._

He took a shaky breath and let it out calmly before reaching down to slide off his pants, there was no way he was going to do this on his wrists.

“It’s alright, I can do this.” He was silent as he reached out for the razor. With shaky fingers, he picked it up and studied the blade. “On the count of three,” he placed it on his now bear thigh.

“One,” the cold metal pressed into his skin.

“Two,” his arm readied to slide it sideways.

“Three,” the first thing he felt was his skin tearing open. Then the sting came and the realization of what he had just done. With surprisingly steady hands, he lifted the razor and watched as blood pooled and started to run down his leg. He reached under the sink where they kept first aid supplies and grabbed a band-aid before placing it on the newly formed cut. With toilet paper, he wiped up any blood that had dripped onto the floor, then he wet the tissue and wiped down his leg. It was done.

“Oh shit,” they were gone.


	2. Logan

He sank to his room and sighed, why didn’t they call him? Why wasn’t he the lawyer? He felt guilty for feeling jealous of Patton, he should feel happy for his friend. So why wasn’t he? He took a shaky breath and went to his computer. Work needed to be done, he needed to find a place in his schedule for Thomas to look for a wedding gift, which also meant he needed to deal with budget cuts.   
A door closed and he sensed that Virgil had returned. Adjusting his glasses, he went back to work.   
_You will never be taken seriously._   
He froze. This wasn’t right. There was something wrong.  
 _You can keep working your ass off and it will never be enough._  
Someone is trying to do something. This isn’t Deceit, Deceit’s aura is different. This is someone different, a new dark side. He started sorting through who it could possibly be when, “JUST SHUT UP!” Virgil. Quickly, Logan got up to help his friend, but he only got to the door when they became too much, and he collapsed.  
 _You are a robot, right?_  
 _Then why are you crying?_  
 _Robots don’t have feelings._  
 _You’re broken._  
 _Hot tears streamed down his face, “I’m not b-broken.”_  
 _Not enough._  
 _Full of useless information._  
 _Not doing your job correctly._  
 _Not helpful._  
 _Causes more problems than solutions._  
“Please stop,” his voice was shaky, but he had forced himself to stop the tears. They were not helping the situation at all.  
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Virgil, it was coming from the bathroom. Shit.   
He checked his reflection and noticed the irritated skin around his eyes. He hurriedly put on some of the concealer he kept in his desk drawer for emergencies (and occasionally for Roman, threatening to break it). Satisfied with his work he left the room and headed for the hall bathroom.  
A small “Oh shit,” came from the room, _rather concerning._  
Logan knocked, twice, “Virgil? You okay? I heard yelling.”  
Shuffling, “Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I just…” he trailed off, clearly not knowing how to explain his desperate cries.  
Logan was concerned to say the least, Virgil would never leave his room so soon after an anxiety attack (which he assumed is what happened).  
“Virgil, may I come in?”   
Silence, then, just as Logan was turning to leave, the door opened, revealing a rather disheveled looking Virgil, “Could, uh, could we maybe go to my room instead? It’s, it’s just, my room is, is more comfortable f-for me to, um, talk in. Which I assume is what you wanted to, uh, do?” Logan became more and more concerned for his friend as the sentences developed.   
“Yes, yes of course,” he gave Virgil a small smile which was hesitantly returned.   
The two of them walked silently to the smaller one’s room. The door creaked open and Logan quickly decided that if Virgil wanted to tell him he would. Which was why Logan was going to tell Virgil what had happened in his room.  
“Virgil?” Logan asked once Virgil had sat down on his bed and Logan had chosen to sit at Virgil’s desk.  
“Yeah?” Virgil was looking at the foot of the desk, avoiding eye-contact, which in of itself was completely normal, but still concerning.  
“I have a question.”  
Virgil looked up, shocked, “Uh, shoot Lo.”  
“I… well, to put it simply, I have recently experienced something that has me concerned about my wellbeing.”  
“What is it?” Virgil was leaning forward, worry etched on his face.  
“About five minutes ago, I was thinking things…”  
Virgil moved over to the beanbag and sat in front of Logan, clearly already thinking of the worst scenarios.   
Logan took a shaky breath, suddenly finding it difficult to speak, “They wouldn’t stop, thoughts of ‘you’re not good enough’ and ‘you’re not enough’ kept coming. Virgil, I couldn’t control it.”   
Virgil gently put his hand on Logan’s knee and tried to think of what to say. Logan was never openly vulnerable to anyone, not even himself.  
“Are they gone now?”  
 _Come on Lo, you know we’re never really gone._  
 _Bother._  
 _He doesn’t care._  
 _He’s annoyed._  
 _You need to isolate, then no one’ll have to deal with your shit._  
“Lo?”   
Logan snapped out of his trance, “Yes, sorry, yes, they’re gone,” he lied. Why did he lie? He knew he could trust Virgil, so why would he lie? _Because he doesn’t care, you would just annoy him._  
“Well, that’s good, right?”  
“Yes, very good, I just needed to tell someone. I, uh, I really must go now. Thomas is going to be very busy these next few weeks.”  
Logan hurriedly left the room and entered his own before breaking down in tears.   
_Logan, you need to work._  
 _Come on robot, just do your work._  
 _We’ll go away if you work._  
 _Work._  
 _Work._  
 _Work._  
Logan pushed himself up and dried his tears once again, “We can’t have any of that now Lo, we have to work and we can’t afford to be distracted by pathetic emotions,” he whispered to himself, slowly gaining composure. He moved to his desk and logged into the computer, he needed to get the budget for the next few weeks set. He needed to work.


	3. Virgil

Strange. That was the first thing that came to Virgil’s mind. It was strange that he would even bring this to someone’s attention, he usually would wait until the problem was over to tell them, if he told anyone at all.  The second strange thing he thought of was the way Logan abruptly upped and left, he never left a conversation like that, not even under the most strenuous situation.

It wasn’t until around one or two in the morning when Virgil finally decided to check on Logan, not face to face until he was sure though. So, he waited for about five minutes with his ear pressed against the wall, listening for any sign that Logan might not be okay. There was nothing except the clicking of keys and the occasional curse when he messed up. He momentarily wondered if Logan had ever listened to him during a panic attack or an anxiety attack; and thought back to the times after he had an especially bad one-- which usually included loud sobs and cries—where he found an audiobook in front of his bedroom door or a documentary about the stars and constellations. It had become somewhat of a calmer, and proof that _someone_ cared. It had to have been Logan, the other’s rooms were on the other side of the mindscape, the right side, they wouldn’t be able to hear him.

_You know that he only did it to get you to shut up right?_

Virgil froze, “I thought…”

_You can’t-_

The voices were cut off by a sudden scream coming from Logan’s room, followed by a loud sob. He cautiously left his room and opened Logan’s door, ready for the worst. There he was, sitting with his elbows on his desk, head in his hands, shoulders shaking with sobs. Quickly, Virgil shut the door behind him and rushed to Logan’s side, noting that he wasn’t wearing his glasses either.

“L? Hey, hey, what’s wrong buddy?” He had his hand on Logan’s back, rubbing in soothing circles.

“They won’t shut up Virge, no matter how much I work, they won’t shut up.”

“Logan, hey, look at me,” Lo turned his head slightly to focus on Virgil, “You told me they were gone.”

“I-” another sob followed by a shaky breath, “I didn’t want to worry you or stress you out by laying my problems in front of you, I’m capable of taking care of myself.”

“L, it’s okay to need help. You know that, right?”

He shook his head, tears dripping down his chin, “It’s not for me.” He let out another sob and Virgil wrapped his arms around Logan’s shoulders and let Lo cry into his hoodie, “I should be able to fix this. Why can’t I fix this?”

Hesitantly, Virgil put and hand on Logan’s head and tightened his grip around Logan’s middle. They sank to the ground, holding each other tightly. At this point Virgil couldn’t contain his tears either—as the voices got louder—and started sobbing into Logan’s shoulder.

_You can’t help him._

_You’re just as useless to him as a rock is to just about anything._

“Virgil?” Logan had stopped a while ago and was slightly alarmed when he heard the cries coming from the boy he was embracing.

_You can’t tell him._

_He’ll send you back._

_He’ll make you stop, we won’t._

“I can’t do it L,” Virgil was shaking hard, “I can’t do it every time they start up again. I can’t keep lying to you guys.”

“Virgil, what are you talking about?” Logan pulled away from Virgil and looked at him, concern flooding his eyes.

_Liar._

_Bad friend._

_Horrible person._

_Nuisance._

“I-I can’t,” Virgil buried his head in his hands, breaths quickening.

Logan could feel the oncoming anxiety attack, “Virgil, just breath for me, okay? That’s all you need to do. Just breath. In for four, yeah, that’s it. Hold for seven, you’re doing great. Out for eight, just focus on the pattern Virgil, nothing else, just breathing and the pattern,” Logan’s attempts at calming down his friend slowly seemed to work and the voices in Virgil’s head quieted down.

“Virgil?” Virge had stilled and was breathing evenly making Logan think that he was asleep.

“I’m still here Lo.”

“What was that?”

“An anxiety attack.”

“Did I do something to trigger it?” Logan was slightly frantic, thinking he had done something wrong he pulled away from the hug.

“No, it was just…”

_Don’t even try, he’ll just tell the others and then make fun of you._

_You’ll annoy him._

_Telling him won’t do anything anyway, we’ll only get louder._

_Waste of space._

_Useless._

_Unloved._

_Unneeded._

_Why are you even still here?_

“Virgil?” Virgil snapped his head back up.

“Thomas must have been in an overcrowded restaurant earlier or something. Sometimes that happens, I’m sure it was nothing, I should really get back to bed, you should try to get some sleep to, okay?”

Logan nodded and Virgil left the room, heading to the one place that could shut up the voices, the bathroom.


	4. Logan

After Virgil left Logan couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling that something was wrong. This was highly illogical because there was no conceivable thing wrong at that moment of time, so naturally (like all of us) he blamed it on lack of sleep. He laid down, an uneasy feeling tightening his chest; however, the moment his head touched the pillow the world around him seemed to fade to black.

A scream erupted through the halls, awakening Logan with a jolt. It took him a second or so to register that something was going on, but when it did hit him, he shot out of bed and ran towards the direction of the scream.

“Patton?” The moral side was pale and shaking, tears running down his face. A hand covered his mouth as he looked into the hall bathroom. Roman came running down the hall, samurai sword in hand, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw what Patton was looking at; blood draining rapidly from his face—so rapidly that Logan thought that he may pass out.

“Guys?” Logan was the epitome of confusion at this point, not daring to go any nearer to the scene in fear of what he may see. The fact that he was confused confused him even more because he was _logic_ he wasn’t supposed to be confused.

_That’s right, you’re not supposed to be confused so why are you? Come on Lo, you know why, it’s because of how bad you are at your job._

_Useless._

Logan pushed away the thoughts nagging at the back of his mind and tried to focus on the situation at hand. “Guys? What’s going on?”

It was as if he was invisible, neither side acknowledged his presence.

_They hate you._

Logan again ignored the voice as best he could as he hesitantly walked to stand on the other side of Patton at the threshold of the left-brain hall bathroom. He could feel himself grow extremely pale as he stared at the scene in front of him. Dizziness took over his other senses and he fought to stay upright and conscious.

It wasn’t gruesome, it wasn’t bloody, it wasn’t gory. What it was, was disturbing. There was Virgil, beautiful kind-hearted Virgil, who had helped him during his episode the night before. Virgil, who without a doubt was Logan’s most like-minded person. Virgil, who was struggling with his own things but put those aside to help the others in their time of need. Virgil, who was pale and without any makeup on. Virgil who’s bags under his eyes were so apparent against his almost translucent skin that they made Logan wonder if he hadn’t slept for over two weeks—which of course was impossible without brain damage and well, death. Virgil, who was now passed out on the floor of the white tiled bathroom, only in his boxers, five band-aids on his legs and three on his inner forearms, near the elbows.

Logan came to his senses first, “Guys,” he nudged the other two sides respectively, “go make breakfast, I’ll deal with Virge. Okay?” He looked at Patton who was clearly very worried and scared for the emo on the floor in front of them. Pat nodded and shuffled away, tears starting to dry as he grabbed Roman’s sleeve and dragged him to the kitchen.

_They seem a little too eager to get away with you hmm, Lo?_

_You know that they hate you._

_Know-it-all._

Logan took a shaky breath and kneeled down next to the pale body that he had to focus on.

“Virgil,” he placed a hand on Virgil’s bare shoulder and gave him a light shake. A groan came from Virgil’s lips, then his eyes opened, wide with panic. He shot up and scurried back so he could feel the wall behind him.

“Virgil, it’s okay. It’s just me, the others are downstairs, cooking breakfast,” Logan had his hands up in such a way that meant _I surrender_ and was rooted to his place on the tile.

Virgil’s wide, chocolate eyes became less panicked as he realized where he was and who was with him, Logan lowered his hands as he saw this. The anxious side glanced down at his body for a second or so and it registered that Logan might ask him why he had band-aids on and what happened. Of course, Logan already had his suspicions that were backed with evidence from the night before. He was the logical side after all, he knew what the signs were.

Virgil took a deep breath, “I-I can ex-xplain, I promise,” Logan raised a hand, cutting him off.

“Don’t.”

“But-”

“Virgil, I don’t need to know, it’s none of my business and I only want to know if you’re comfortable telling me, which clearly you’re not. Don’t feel the need to explain yourself to me, okay?” Virgil nodded and glanced back down at his body, suddenly feeling self-conscious. With a snap of his fingers, Logan conjured Virgil’s clothes and makeup onto Virgil.

“Thanks,” Virgil flipped his hood up and made eye contact with Logan for approximately 0.5 seconds before looking away again.

Logan smiled warmly, “However, we _do_ need an excuse to tell the others. I, of course, already have one prepared, so don’t worry about that.”

Virgil snickered at the perfectionist, “Could I hear it?”

“Of course, it’s the classic _cat_ excuse. You conjured a cat in during a dream about cats and it scratched you, therefore waking you up and forcing you to get out of bed to come here so you could clean up the cuts. You passed out soon afterwards because of pure exhaustion.”

Virgil paled slightly further, “Y-yeah that, that works.”

Logan gave him another half-smile and left the room for his daily black-coffee.


	5. Virgil

The moment the bathroom door was closed and locked he went towards the razors. He knew it was wrong, he knew it would end up hurting the people that cared.

_What people?_

Tears swarmed his vision and his breaths became shorter. Exactly, what people? Who cared? Did anyone?

_You know the answer to that._

No, no one cared.

_Do it._

_Do it._

_Do it._

He drew a shaky breath and a few tears glided from his eyes to his chin. With a steady hand—for once—he reached for the silver silencer. Cautiously he ran his thumb across the sharp edges.

_Come on, is it really that hard?_

He blinked away the rest of the tears and stripped down to his boxers. Quietly he slid the razor across his leg four more times, with each cut he winced and tried to stop himself from crying out.

_We’re not leaving that easily, come on, just a little more._

Virgil cried and looked down at his arm, _it won’t do much harm if I don’t cut deep._

_Exactly, come on now Virgil._

More tears fell and he brought the razor to the inside of his elbow. Three times he slid the razor across that skin and three more streams of a warm red liquid appeared. He felt slightly dizzy as he cleaned up the mess and applied the band-aids.

_It’s from shock, there’s no way it’s because of blood-loss, I didn’t bleed that much._

_Didn’t you though?_

The world around him twisted and turned as he clutched the sink for balance. “Shit, I’m going to pass out.”

He collapsed, the world around him turning black. When he opened his eyes, a face was staring back at him and he ran back to the wall, _shit shit shit, he’s going to kill me._

It was Logan, Virgil relaxed slightly then looked down at his body, _shit, he’s going to kill me._

After Logan left for coffee, Virgil felt tears prick at his eyes and he slid down to the floor, _the classic cat excuse, fuck. He fucking knows. He’s going to tell the others. I’m fucking screwed._

He forced himself up and walked to the kitchen, “H-hey guys,” he waved tiredly, trying to sound like he wanted to be there.

Patton looked up and squealed, “Virgil! You’re awake! We were so worried kiddo! What happened?”

Virgil looked over at Logan, silently begging for help, “Well…I, uh…”

Logan smiled, understanding the message that Virgil was sending, “He accidently summoned a cat in his sleep, it scratched him, so he went to the bathroom to clean up and then fell asleep in the bathroom because of how tired he was.”

Virgil looked a Patton, waiting for a response, “Y-yeah, that’s, uh, that’s what happened,” he laughed nervously and glanced at Roman who was studying him suspiciously.

“Oh! That makes sense!” Patton giggled, “Why else would you be passed out on the bathroom floor?”

Virgil forced a smile and looked over at the food on the table, “So, what’s for breakfast?”

Roman spoke up for the first time that morning, “Banana-chocolate-chip pancakes, Patton’s specialty. They’re really good Virgil, you should try some.”

Virgil felt his stomach drop, “Um, I’m not really hungry right now,” Patton’s smile dropped, “B-but I’ll make sure to have some later! Okay Pat?”

The fatherly smile returned, and Patton nodded, “Of course you can have some later! It’s perfectly fine that you’re not hungry right now!”

Logan walked over to Virgil and placed a hand on his shoulder, the emo’s flinch was barely noticeable, but Logan saw it, “Would you like some coffee then Virgil?”

“Y-yeah, yeah, that would be great Lo, thanks for asking.”

Logan nodded, “You’re welcome, come over to the kitchen with me. I need some help getting everyone a cup.” _We need to talk in private._

“Okay, I’ll be right there,” Logan walked back to the kitchen and started getting out mugs for everyone, and Virgil followed after standing still for a second or two, getting his thoughts straightened out.

“Virgil, are you okay?” He had just stepped into the threshold of the kitchen when Logan asked.

“Define okay,” Virgil walked over to the coffee maker and put in the grounds.

“Are you hiding emotional pain and suffering from us?” Logan checked the water supply and placed the coffee pot in the slot.

“Are you?” Virgil turned it on.

“We’re not talking about me right now Virgil,” the taller side leaned against the counter and looked over at Virgil.

“We might as well be. You’re hiding stuff from us too. I saw proof of that last night.”

“As are you,” there was a beat of silence where Logan was building up the courage to ask the question that had been bothering him since he saw Virgil laying on the floor of the bathroom. “Have you been purposely hurting yourself Virgil?”

Virgil felt himself freeze and the blood drained from his face, “I-I, uh.” He was starting to panic, the room was getting smaller, the walls were closing in on him. He was starting to shake uncontrollably, his breath quickened, everything around him was tilting. Something was grabbing him, and he felt himself being teleported somewhere. Someone was saying his name over and over again; it was becoming frantic. He shook his head, refusing to open his eyes _when had I closed them?_

“Virgil!”


End file.
